Self identity before divorce Essay Example for Free

Self identity before divorce Essay In marriage women may become so submissive to their husbands that they lose their identity. This is especially for women who have been married for a long time. Many women feel so insecure without their spouse. Counselors can help such women to restore their self worth. This helps the women to regain their self respect and also know that she deserves to be respected too. Through this their self esteem is brought back to normal. Most women have been helped to leave their overdependence on their partners. Marital counseling helps to validate the partners’ individuality. Communication styles After parents going through divorce, children need to be communicated to so that they can understand what exactly happened. It is good to note that children may understand such matters quite differently from how the parents understand. While it is important for parents to talk to their children about divorce, it is worth noting that this is a hard task. For instance if the parents could have had a conflict . They need to use the right communication styles to put this across to the children. When it is well done, their trust is built. Clues and cues Children are not emotionally and even intellectually mature. They do not express themselves as adults do. Young children always pass across their message through drawing, playing and writing among others. Parents need to be keen to these activities to understand what their children are saying concerning divorce. Their facial expressions will always speak a lot and parents need to understand this after going through a divorce. Listening Most people who have divorced always just need a listening ear. They need to share their pains sorrows and disappointments to the family members. Sisters, brothers and even parents need to be good listeners at such a point. It is good to let the affected person to do more of the talking and pour out his or her own heart. During such trying times the parents who have separated need to be good listeners too to their children. A parent can paraphrase the child’s words and speak them over again to show that he or she has understood. In such a way the parents can understand what their children are going through after their divorce. They could be angry or even fearful. Indirect communication Divorce issues can be very complex for young children to understand. Children can be explained to using indirect means of communication. Story telling, use of dolls and drawings can help in passing across the message. Story telling can be very effective in communicating to the very small children A parent can tell a story about children who went through such an issue. How they missed their mum or dad and the way they coped. This helps children to know that they are not just the only ones who go through such issues of parents divorcing. Through this parents will always learn what their children feel about the divorce. The parent that is staying with the children should help them to cope with the matters at hand. When the right communication styles are used in a marriage, divorce can be avoided. Some of this communication styles always trigger people to divorce. Criticism There are some partners who never see anything positive in their spouses. They only see the negatives. Criticism speech between spouses makes them have low self esteem. Women are more prone to this and it may aggravate divorce. Defensiveness Some married men and women are quite defensive when they make mistakes in marriage. They are just not responsible for their actions. This is not right style of communication and such characters influence people to divorce. Roles During the process o divorce parents should spell out clearly each individual’s roles and duties in the family. In case, if children are present, where they will stay. There are instances where the wife may have really valued the role of the husband in taking care of the family needs. When divorce occurs such women will more often than not devalue the role of their partners. When people go through divorce, there are those that neglect their roles as fathers or mothers. The very fact that the man and the wife are no longer married does not mean that they cease to be mothers to their children or parents in general. In such circumstances, the children suffer and yet they are not the cause to the divorcing of their parents. There are some parents who neglect their family roles when they are married hence leading to divorce. A woman whose husband is less concerned about his roles and duties will opt for divorce. Boundaries After a couple divorcing, there are boundaries that are set between the two that they are not supposed to cross. One of the boundaries involves intimacy. They can put this boundary in such a way that none of the two has the right to demand for his or her conjugal rights. Most women who divorce from a conflicting marriage mostly bar the husband from seeing the children. This can be very traumatizing to the man. There are also boundaries that are put concerning the right to property. Before a divorce occurred a woman may have had the right to use his husband’s car. After divorce, a boundary is put that in case she uses the car she will have gone too far. In such a case the man can even take a legal action against her. In this twenty first century, people are crossing boundaries to marry men and women from other ethnic groups. There are high rates of interracial marriages. Research shows that such marriages have got high divorce rates. Alliances There are so many alliances that exist in the world today. Divorce in today’s society has really increased leading to families forming associations. These associations help the divorcees to cope after the divorce. Such associations normally consist of families that have gone through the same. The individuals are comforted and encouraged to go on with life. Resiliency This is simply bouncing back or coming back to normal operations. After divorce happening to a family, it may not come back to normal immediately. A divorcee may find it hard to forget his partner. Divorce in itself makes the parties to go through moments of pain, especially the emotional one. Some of the separations come along with traumatic grief on the individuals. Especially if a person still loves the other partner. Coming to terms with reality in such a case may not be easy for any one. Some people in order to come back to their old self may have some denial or rigid defenses. Professionals like counselors always help the individuals to regain there self worth in the society. This is because divorce makes people feel very useless, unwanted and unappreciated in the society. Other family friend and members should help the divorcees to come back to their normal self. It is good to note that people regain at different rates. There are some that may bounce back to their normal self very fast. Others take quite a long time to come to terms with reality. People who accept that it happened will always regain very fast. Metaphor This is simply figurative language that describes an issue or a topic. In conjunction to the topic of divorce here is a metaphor to reflect a family dealing with it. Example Once upon a time there was a farmer who lived in Drasel village. He was very hard working and everybody admired this. The farmer was known as Mr. Tim. He had a very good cow which he had named Lando. Mr Tim really loved his one and only cow, Lando. He usually woke up very early to cut Napier grass for his cow. This is because he really loved his cow. He could milk his cow at exactly five a. m. Lando was a very productive animal. He would give Mr. Tim fifteen litters of milk. This made him a very happy man. He would brag about his cow to the villagers. This went on for the first two weeks. After this things really changed. Lando simply refused to produce milk. Mr. Tim tried all that he could but to no avail. He brought more Napier grass for Lando and sprayed her every day. He even cleaned Lando each day but nothing seemed to please him. Instead Lando would kick him hard whenever he moved closer. Soon the villagers started to laugh at Tim. He was ashamed of his one and only cow. So what is the need of keeping a cow which doesn’t produce milk? Tim kept on asking himself. After all I can get another one! This is exactly what he did. He sold the cow and bought another one. Explanation Tim represents a husband while Lando in this case is the wife. When they were newly married the wife was very good. She treated her husband well and bore him children. The husband was good to her throughout this period. He gives her enough money, cares for her and shows his love for her. He even brags about his sweet wife to the villagers. After sometime the wife changes completely. She becomes rude to her husband. The husband continues to be caring, loving and to provide for her. She even refuses to conceive claiming the children are enough! The man becomes a laughing stock in the village. He considers divorcing her. According to him, his wife is no longer worth the marriage. After all, women are very available. That is exactly what he does. This metaphor illustrates the causes of divorce in many marriages. What I have learnt To be sincere this subject has taught me a lot. I am now fully aware of the things that can cause divorce. I have learnt how I can deal with loss of my partner through divorce. God forbid, I pray that it never happens! The issue of communication styles has been of help to me. I hope to implement them in my personal relationships. I can now understand what divorcees go through in relation to their self esteem. I hope to be of great help to them in dealing with this. Questions for research This subject should have further research carried out. One of the questions is; what is the relationship of technopoly to divorce in the twenty first century? Technopoly is simply the surrender of society to technological advancement. An example is the internet and sex technologies. The other question is; what is the relationship between traditional culture and divorce in today’s society. In relation to this, one can find out if men and women still embrace the traditional culture and how this is affecting the divorce rates. The last question is; why are divorce rates high in developed nations as compared to the developing countries. This will include the factors that are affecting the different rates. Conclusion Divorce rates have really increased since the twenty first century. It is defined as the dissolution of marriage while both parties are still alive. This has become such a challenge to most families. Dealing with loss in case of divorce can be hard. People who go through it need professional counseling. Some people even lose their identity and this mostly affects women. People should assist such families to be resilient as soon as possible. It is not an easy thing to deal with divorce. Married people should learn the best communication styles to pass across information to partners. People need to be educated on the importance of marriage and the negative effects of divorce on families. References Hetherington, E. and Kelly, J.(2000): For better or for worse; Divorce reconsidered, New York; Norton Jacob, L. and Simon, V. (1995): Facilitating healthy divorce processes; Therapy and mediation approaches; In N. Jacobson A. Gurman (Eds. ); Clinical handbook of couple therapy, NewYork; Guilford Press (pp. 340-365). Wallerstein, J. Blakeslee, S. (1989): Second chances; Men, women, and children a decade after divorce; New York; Ticknor Fields Walsh, F. (1998b): Strengthening family resilience; New York, Guilford Press Whiteside, M. (1998): The parental alliance following divorce; An overview; Journal of Marital and Family Therapy; 24; 3-24.